[Tangent Thoughts] A club we will never be part of.....

May 7th, 2013.......Mother's day.

Today is a day when motherhood is celebrated.  While celebrating mother's day with my mom and dad, we observe all the families and children around. It certainly is a celebratory day for moms, and their thankful families. During our dinner, unexpectedly, my brother and his wife shared unbelievably exciting and happy news with us today while eating dinner with my mom and dad: he and his wife are expecting twins.  My mother's face lit up like I've seen few times in my life, and for good reason - she was going to be a grandmother, twice over. I've seen this same face in my mother-in-law's face when my wife's sister gave birth to their first child. I also saw the smile and pride which my wife's father gave to my brother-in-law when they announced she was pregnant. The same look I saw on my father today. Looks I so desperately desire to obtain. Words I whole-heartedly wish to hear. And I could see my parents giving those looks to my brother, cautious not to be overly excited as my wife and I were present. I was elated for my brother, but could feel a bit of sadness loom. Let me explain.

Imagine going to a very large celebration, a prom or formal perhaps, and forgetting to wear dress shoes.   Like most nice venues, there is a strict dress code. Those whom dont have the right attire can't be apart of the celebration and, if their lucky, their date stands by their side. Two people paying the price for the mishaps of one of them. In life, there is such a celebration in which nearly everyone is invited and few are left out of: pregnancy and birth. It seems in this life event, I've showed up with sandals while my wife dressed up like she belongs on the red carpet. Imagine how horrible you would feel if you know you kept your wife from having the time of her life at such an event. Imagine how infinitely worse it would be if that event lasted a lifetime. 

How can I ever repay my wife for robbing her of such an important life event?  I work tirelessly with adoption agencies, social workers, lawyers, etc. to make our hopes of becoming parents come true.  And  as hard as I try, and as positive as I try to be, the truth of the matter is this: I fall short. My BEST efforts remain a very distant and lackluster second to becoming a family through pregnancy and birth.  The self-pity and realization with which I find myself feeling at this moment is a cocktail of guilt, depression, and sorrow. My wife, a women whom has such a motherly touch, may never become a biological mother simply because she was unlucky enough to marry a man whom was born infertile. Just yesterday I saw her walking and talking gently, happily, and selflessly with my nephew.  In another life, perhaps that would be our kid she was taking care of so gingerly. But in this life, her husband has primary testicular failure and a piece of him dies each time he thinks of how hard their life has become because of him.