Tae Day 2014-11-12

On 11/12 when we took custody of Taeyeongee in Korea, it was around 4pm KST which is about 12 midnight PST.  That was an extraordinary day.  I remember how cold it was, and how crowded the streets felt that day.  We hurried to the metro and took it to the 홍대 station.  When we surfaced there was a Samsung Electronics Store right there, which was pretty nice.  We walked  about 8 blocks up the street to Eastern Welfare Society (as we have done a few times before) and before we knew it, we were waiting in the office to meet Taeyeongee.  

When we saw him come thru the doors, he was drinking a Pororo drink and his foster mother and foster sister were there.  We had about a 30 min interaction, we asked her some questions on his diet, habits, toys, and other things we needed to know.  They then took us to a chapel where they always pray before a child leaves (the president of Eastern Social Welfare Society (ESWS) is a devout Christian).  After that, we said some goodbyes and then they handed taeyeongee off to us.  The foster mother said that she would be right back to Taeyeongee, but he knew something was different and he started to cry.  A lot.  Then they put us in a car and sent us off.  He got really quiet and had an extremely sad face.  Then about halfway thru the drive to our hotel, he started whaling - and I swear i could feel my heart break.  The driver must see this happen nearly everyday and he didn't look back, he didn't say anything, he just kept driving and wished us luck when I said goodbye.

The next few days as we had to take care of immigration stuff at the US Embassy, we experienced what it was like to have a child for the first time and for people to call us 엄마 and 아빠.  I felt strange because i didn't really feel like i earned the title......the only title in my life that I've ever  wanted to earn.  Experiencing the crazy stuff that immigrants and foreigners in Korea have to face is a strange thing - and something I'll never forget.  

When i look at our experience during our final trip to Korea, i do so fondly with soft eyes.  Not many people will ever know what it's like to adopt a child, and I'm glad they don't have to.  But when i read the difference in a life it makes between living in foster care/group homes vs. an adoptive family, it makes me feel better knowing Taeyeongee will have a close to normal life - and Jennie and I will be able to raise a child.  No matter what Jennie and I do, we will never be a replacement for his actual parents, and in his case - his actual mother (since his father is unknown).  And one day we will be prepared to help him find her.  

One thing I just found out about this year (randomly) is there is a World Adoption Day (http://worldadoptionday.org), that was this past monday.  The families draw a smiley face on their palms.  We're gonna do that every year on that day from now on, and we will always be open to Taeyeongee about his adoption, foster family and birth mother.  

Many times, we feel pretty alone, like we're on a shipwrecked raft adrift the ocean.  And even though we know we won't be rescued, it's nice to know that every once in awhile, there's someone that is searching for us - trying to get to us (admittedly, this is extremely rare).  I imagine that always makes people better knowing that people are at least trying, cause the worst thing is being alone and feeling that one is trying to reach you.  But at least I know that Jennie will be next to me, and we'll be raising our adopted son together.  And that's more than enough to give purpose to my life.  Thank you God.

The Human Connection

My next door neighbor is an Indian family who have lived next to me for at least 3 years (perhaps longer).  Thru those years, we have seen each other in small flashes as we see each other back out of our respective garages or carry groceries into our house.  The most frequent and indirect interactions we have are when we take our garbage and recycling bins out and place them near the corners of our garage doors.  I live in a townhouse and being in a townhouse means you are sharing walls with your neighbors, most people know that.  What is further inconvenient is you also don't really have a "driveway" and that as soon as you open your garage you are on the main thorough fair of the community.  So the only place to put your garbage and recycling bins are "between" the townhouse garage doors. This causes some frustration between neighbors at times, as was the case between my neighbor and I.

As it turns out, my neighbor had been very frustrated that I'd been placing my bins (where I have always placed them well before he moved into the next townhouse) to the right of our home.  In general, that's how the homes in our community have been doing it, and how my previous neighbor did it.  But not this guy.  He would move my bins, leave notes, etc.  But I would continue to do as I've always done and as most of our neighbors do.  I really had no other choice, since I'm up much earlier than just about all my neighbors, and the garbage and recycling trucks are coming around at that time, I don't have time to re-arrange my bins.  What he also complained about was the fact that after the collectors came, our bins would be in front of his house.  But there's not much I can do since i'm gone before they come and they place the bins wherever they feel like it.

One fateful day, as I was taking my trash bins out, he and his wife were in their car with their child and they rolled their window down.  I could actually tell the guy was annoyed and asked me where I expected him to place his bins and that it was very inconvenient to have my bins at times laid out in front of his driveway (which was left by the inconsiderate garbage collectors)?  I told him to place the bins on your right just like all the other neighbors.  And the problem was his neighbor took both sides.  Great.  As far as my bins blocking his driveway, I told him nicely (he did have his child in the car) that it really was the work of the collectors being a bit rushed and inconsiderate, and not because of our bin placement.  I told him that I would ask my wife to bring our bins into the house as early as possible so as to leave his garage path clear (at least of our bins).

A funny thing happened while we spoke.  I started to see that he was actually a very decent and friendly guy.  A family man, responsible - and all the random things I remember seeing him do (always washing his cars, carrying in groceries, etc) started to look more admirable in the eyes of someone I could actually get a sense of.  Then I spoke a few words to his wife and asked that we try to work together and keep from getting frustrate.  She smiled in response.  Suddenly, the guy that seemed to be a pest and also viewed me in a similar way, was truly a neighbor.  And I could literally see his eyes soften and tone change.  He even stated "seeing you today, and talking to you....it makes me feel so much better about these little things."  I certainly agreed and a few weeks later I ran into him and his daughter as they checked mail at our community mail slots and I engaged in a little chat, and saw him teaching his daughter to read the numbers on the slots.

It reminded me how connected we all really are - and while it isn't a ground breaking epiphany, it was an important and needed reminder that actually seeing, feeling, and engaging with someone gives you a better sense of that person.  This is something that is nearly always lost thru the internet.  We easily feel that we are up to date on our friends by checking where they've been, where they work, and if they are in a relationship or not on things such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.  But in actuality (and I personally do this all the time), we need to seek out and find them so you can hear their voice (even if it's over the phone), or see their face, or share drinks, or put your arm around them......those actions make even the simplest interactions considerably much more powerful and multi-dimensional.  And the connection that we feel in those moments can build even more depth and meaning into the most basic of conversations.

I removed my birthday from social media several years ago, and I was never very big on interacting thru social media (though I do update photos/videos there for ease of sharing).....and I witnessed just how thin and fickle many interactions were when there wasnt something so convenient pulling them into contact, reminding them to do this or that.  What is really disappointing is the fact that with such little interaction and with so many people (including my friends) choosing text messages and the like to substitute for face to face time, a large piece of building memories and bonds are lost.  And the connection that lies so fundamentally at the heart of creating relationships, the simple human element of a person's touch, sound, and face....... is also the very thing that conveys their real feelings and true self.  It's like trying to describe the beauty of majestic places such as Zion, Big Sur, the Sierras, or Morro Bay by studying a photograph.  No matter how perfect of a moment or beautiful the photo is it can never capture the smells, the breeze, the vivid colors, and the dynamic changes you can feel in the environment that truly makes those places special, and the perspective you feel as you take it in.

Human contact....the sharing moments together are so much more than just being in the same place at the same time. That contact builds inertia, keeping our relationships energized with momentum and enthusiasm.....so that even as we go thru changes in many facets of our character and personality (knowingly and unknowingly) thru the trials and tribulations that we separately face, we remain connected to each other in those shared moments that we can picture in our heads through what we saw, touched, smelled, and felt.  I'll leave you with a  short video that I often think about when I reflect on and even yearn to see my very own friends: Human Connection Experiment

"We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface, but connected in the deep." - William James

Carrots and DNA

Today after picking up my son from preschool, he asked to eat one of the carrots I was eating with peanut butter.  What was peculiar to me was that when he ate his carrot, he didn't just take a big bite and chew on it like most people.  My attention came when I heard how he bit his baby carrot.  I heard the distinctive sound of many small successive bites, and saw that his mouth was full of smaller bits in his mouth.  Might sound insignificant, but what I realized is that he had learned this strange form of eating a carrot from watching me eat carrots as I routinely do after dinner when I eat them with peanut butter.

Many, many years before I really thought seriously of having children or even being married, one of the few things I would think about was the whole genetic and biological connection between child and parent.  In some of my earlier posts (years ago at this point), I mentioned that I always wondered what people would say when they would meet a future child of mine.

"Oh you play basketball just like your dad."

"You talk so loudly, just like your father!"

"You are just like your dad, you never want to study"

I think one of the many difficult things I came to terms with when we knew adoption was the route we were going to take to have children was that we would lose out on those types of comments.  And as narcissistic as it sounds, it was always something I wanted to hear.  I mean, it felt to me as if comments like that was almost a right of passage for parents as their children pass from kids to adolescents and then eventually to young adults.  Even watching and playing with my nieces who (for better or worse) have a likeness to that of my little brother  - I'm reminded of something that I'll have to be without.  I can't but help fall in love with those little girls each and every time I see them..... something is innately triggered when seeing familiar characteristics and tendencies which draws me to care for them without evening trying.

I know that my wife and I have a very non-traditional route to having children and there are many things we've had to give up and do without.  But this  evening when I heard my son doing something as insignificant as crunching on carrots, I was reminded that while some genetic aspects of our characteristics and tendencies will never be part of our son, there are still many traits that we will be able to pass along to him.  And while we'll miss the bulk of the comments from other people that make most parents feel connected to their kids ("your son has your eyes"),  I can be assured that many of the peculiar and eccentric personality elements of my wife and I will, in fact, be passed on and likely noticed by friends, family, and strangers.  After all, some of the best (and worst) traits that build strong character are the ones that have nothing to do with the DNA that was passed to you such as diligence, motivation, humor, humility, loyalty, compassion, curiosity and courage.  And like that, with a couple snaps of baby carrot courtesy of my son's mouth, I realized that my wife and I were, in fact,  the biggest influences in his life - and that we had really become parents.

In the rear-view mirror suddenly
I saw the bulk of the Beauvais Cathedral
great things dwell in small ones
for a moment.
- Adam Zagajewski, “Auto Mirror”

Feeling Grace

Today was the first time I took our son Taeyeongee to church in more than 3 weeks.  He recently graduated to a program that places him in a 3-5 year old age group, with more than 50 kids in the program.  It was nice to finally attend church, which I infrequently do.  I've been drifting away from church with my faith diminishing for many years now, in excess of a decade.  However, today I felt happy to have gone to church.

When I got home, I didn't feel enlightened or any closer to God.  That is, until I watched a random video that showed up on my feed online (on the afternoon of July 19th, 2015).  Not more than an hour ago,  Mick Fanning (an Australian surfer) was attacked by a Great White Shark off the coast of South Africa during a surf competition (Here's the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3MsEMKrrZk).   While the shark attack was aggressive and, possibly, included more than 1 great white shark, it was nothing short of a miracle that he escaped completely unscathed.  Watching his narrow escape (which included a punch thrown from Mick at the Shark's backside) made me feel the Grace and Presence of God for some reason.  I'm not a very religious person, but I literally felt like it was divine intervention that day.  Not sure why it made me feel that way, but it's nice to know that I still have some level of sensitivity towards God.

The concept of faith has been fading for me as I grow older(and I'm sure I'm not alone on this one)  and the ease with which I put faith into friends, family, companies, and relationships continues to dwindle.  But today, a small part of me found a reason to at least put a bit of faith back into believing in God with a more genuine and innate reason.  The funny thing is, faith, like many important facets of belief, is not an independent feeling.  Once you start losing faith, some hope, optimism, zeal, trust, and many other factors start losing ground.  In the past few years, I've started to build back some hope and optimism (trust was one things I've never really lost giving it to people rather easily), and now, I'm starting to focus on faith.

In many ways, having faith is the most important factor in changing your view and attitude on life.  It's an innate feeling, but one that curiously aligns with your morals while also mysteriously manifesting your own belief on what you think the future holds.  While "hope," by many, is more revered, it is faith that truly allows us to move past the bullshit negativity and find reasons to push forward in our lives.  And the events (no matter how big or small) that inspire and provoke our faith to grow, emerge, and blossom are the very ones that we should try to embrace.  The jaded and pessimistic shells that we develop over time, many of them have come to us thru the various lessons in our lives serving (many times) as a protective layer.  But they also cloud our view on recognizing moments that will remind us and extend our faith.  And that is the most costly part of growing apathetic.  Some times, perhaps even most of the times, the events that will impact your faith (positively or negatively) will seem insignificant or out of place.  But that's the thing about faith....it doesn't necessarily make complete sense nor does it have an air tight rationale.  It's simply a leap that we take, proceeding with an instinctual feeling that drives us to view the world in a slightly more auspicious and promising light....allowing us to believe that the underlying factors that stir our lives are, in fact, benevolent.

I'd like to end this entry using a quote not from a book, but a movie that reminds me of what faith and feeling the grace of God.  This quote is taken from the scene near the very end of the movie (here's a link to the scene on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YujYTVQ4_S0) in the diner that is about to be held up by two amateur robbers and Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) is speaking to Vincent (John Travolta) about leaving the life of crime and "walking the earth" because of an earlier incident where he and Vincent were shot at by a kid with 6-shots of a colt 45 magnum and neither of them were hit by a single shot:

Jules: Man, I just been sitting here thinking.
Vincent: About what?
Jules: About the miracle we just witnessed.
Vincent: The miracle you witnessed. I witnessed a freak occurrence.
Jules: What is a miracle, Vincent?
Vincent: An act of God.
Jules: And what's an act of God?
Vincent: When God makes the impossible possible. But this morning, I don't think it qualifies.
Jules: Hey, Vincent, don't you see? That shit don't matter. You're judging this shit the wrong way. I mean, it could be that God stopped the bullets, or He changed Coke to Pepsi, He found my fucking car keys. You don't judge shit like this based on merit. Now, whether or not what we experienced was an "according to Hoyle" miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.

Tight Rope of Destiny

Today as I was giving my son a bath, I heard him singing a song as he was placing squirtable toys into a small plastic bucket I use to rinse him.  He was smiling and playing and asked for me to singalong with the song that I was playing on my iPhone.  At that moment, to me it seemed he was happy and felt secure - comfortable in routines of life that we have set up for him.  And then I looked at the way his hair grew, the slight dimple he has when he smiles, and the many other little things which he likely inherited from his biological parents.  It reminded me of the fact that my wife and I will have to continue to let our son know that we became a family thru adoption and that we are not, in fact, related by blood.

From time to time, I think about the parents of 태영이, particularly his mother whom had to make the difficult decision to give him up for adoption.  I'd like to believe that she thinks about 태영이 everyday, or at the very least each time she sees a mother with their child.  I wonder if she regrets the decision she made and wishes she could take him back (which, as heartbreaking as it would be, I know I would honor that request).  But more than just the fact that her son is no longer with her, lately I've been wondering how very different things might have been if 태영이's mother had met his father on different terms.  If his father would've been just a little younger and, perhaps, in love with his mother.  If his mother was just a bit older, and had been in a committed relationship with 태영이's
father.  And if they would have met at a bar where their relationship was more than a brief encounter that left a young woman unexpectedly pregnant, then perhaps instead of 태영이 adjusting to life in America, instead of him having to learn English as his primary language, and instead of him losing physical connection to the country he was born in - maybe he'd be giving his mother and father the same smiles, laughter, and joy that he brings us.  But, importantly, he would have an innate connection to his biological parents, and never have the void of having to wonder what his blood parents looked like, what their personalities were like, and, what his mother was thinking in the moments before giving him up for adoption.

The paths of destiny that manifest things in our life are varied and, even more so, delicate.  And the paths we choose to take and embrace are like walking a tight rope.  What would happen if my wife and I had never had met when we were 11 by being placed in Mrs. Friedman's 6th grade math class?  Or if by chance we didn't get randomly reconnected by a mutual friend whom we both barely spoke to at the time? Regardless of the difficulty, regrets, and guilt that we all carry with the decisions and journey in fate that we have all taken (and, in many case, chosen) I think we should all strive to remember (even when things are at their darkest) that we do have the ability to change our lives, especially the outlook we have.  As I've said before, I am certainly not an optimistic person, but I wasn't always so pessimistic and jaded, and I am slowly clawing my way back to a more optimistic person.  And a big part of that is really knowing when to give up to war against trying to figure out why things ended up the way they did, as unfair as it may have been for you.  Only then can you really start to look forward to really living for the present and, possibly, the future.

"Fate is never fair. You are caught in a current much stronger than you are; struggle against it and you'll drown not just yourself but those who try to save you. Swim with it. and you'll survive"

Disneyland

When I was young, like many kids, my parents took me to Disneyland (a few times).  I can remember the drive down to Los Angeles from Northern California, the meals we ate in the central valley off interstate 5,  noticing the different freeways, and finally checking into an inn or hotel.  Then, of course, there was the excitement as we entered the massive Disneyland parking lot, and I can always recall the feeling as we approached the ticket booth: unbearable bliss.  The anticipation was magical and once you stepped in - it truly was a place that my brother and I (and my parents) could find ourselves immersed in, completely.

Even at a very young age, however, I knew (like most kids) that Disneyland was just make-believe and that the animals we saw were actually machines and that there were grown men running around in costumes trying to make us laugh and encourage us to enjoy the park.  The thing is, that never took anything away from Disneyland.  In the end, it wasn't the fancy decorations, or plethora of Disney characters that made us so enthralled with going to Disneyland......rather, it was a place that provided an atmosphere of fun rides, animatronics, familiar themes, and enough reminders of the very things we imagined when playing with toys and friends which allowed us to fill in the voids left by the  artificial nature of the park with our creativity, fascinations and, most importantly, our optimism.

Lately, I've been thinking about all the things we unnecessarily pick apart in our lives: the people we meet, the decisions our friends/family make, the job we work, the relationships we find ourselves in, how successful we are.....Perhaps, even as adults (maybe even especially as adults) we need to fill in the voids of our lives with our imagination and optimism.  There are certainly fake people, disingenuous companies, and things that we are ashamed of in our lives - but as a whole, most people are impressive with the things they have gone thru and accomplished, but sometimes we find it easier to pick apart the bad than relish the good, particularly when it comes to our own lives.

Even now, I can find myself at times feeling sorry for myself and the thoughts of depression trying to flood my mood.....but I keep trying to tell myself this: there will ALWAYS be something that seems worse than it really is in your life.  There will always been someone that didn't do enough (at least in your eyes).  There will always be problems that are out of your control.  There will always be battles you fight were you feel like an underdog.  But these are (most of the time) simply small matters that we can choose to ruin the overall blessing of a life we have, or find creative and positive ways to get around.  And once you choose to look at problems in your life, the annoying people you meet, the friends that you hold a grudge against, the company that treats you poorly, and insurmountable problems with a hint of optimism, a curious thing happens: those issues themselves change.  When was the last time you saw a 3 or 4 year old hold a grudge or hate someone for not getting a toy they wanted, for someone not playing with them or because they didn't want to take a nap/bath?  Sure in the heat of the moment they can get ludicrous in their tantrums, but they forget and they live their moments in life looking forward mostly independent of the negative things that happen in their (relatively short) past.

Happiness is a thing that just about everyone wants but not everyone is willing to work for and even fewer are willing to address the many issues that they are at least partially accountable for (in not being happy).  I know I'm guilty of that and as hard as it maybe, I'll do what I can little by little to get myself into the once optimistic and imaginative child I once was.   Perhaps then, I can once again find that fleeting and empirical feeling that has alluded me as adult but can vividly remember experiencing  as a child: carefree cheerfulness.

Parental Appreciation

I always revered by grandmother so much when I was younger.  It was hard for me not to as she played such an enormous role in raising me, spending nearly every waking minute with me from birth till her death when I was 15.  She was an incredibly patient, wise, and loving parent (not just grandparent).  I can remember her cooking nearly all my meals when I was a young child, her playing with me, taking walks around the block, and the most amazing way she could tell stories to me (which I can still remember till this day).  I even remember a particular time when she was swimming around a small pool while holding me with one arm, and she was 70 at the time!

I truly adored her and appreciated all she did for me.  She would politely pass me advice in the form of harmless comments here and there about what it took to be a good man when I grew up, and to appreciate and respect women all the while never stressing things like having to be financially successful or having to excel in my studies.  She simply wanted me to enjoy life, learn to be a good person, and stay healthy.  And I loved her for that.  She is the very reason I have some good traits in my personality and character, and the reason why I do not have even more bad and undesirable traits.

However, there is one consequence of this adoration and immense love that I have for my grandmother.  It came at the cost of losing some appreciation for my mother.  It mustve hurt my mother's feelings at times, and thinking back now, I think I can only start to realize how she must've felt now that I am a parent.  There are times where our son asks sometimes about his birth country, shows disregard and disdain with having to spend time with us (like all kids do) but sometimes it affects my wife and I a little more than other parents since we can't be sure if its just frustration or if its something we've done that is not up to par with his foster family.

My mother worked very hard along with my father to make sure my brother and I had a place to live in, an environment where we didn't have to worry about not having enough to eat and being able to focus on playing and learning at school.  Seeing how much I adored my grandmother (which is only natural given the amount of time I spent with her) must've broke my mother's heart at times as she would come home smelling of cooking oil and sandwich meat (my parents owned and operated a small cafe).  Perhaps all she wanted was to come home to her kids welcoming her and appreciating her, but we often fell short of that simple task.  When we were scared or sought comfort, it was often to my grandmother.  But my mother never complained about that, perhaps she knew that was the price she was to pay for choosing to work so hard for nicer things for her family.  Even at the time of writing this blog I've not thanked her graciously for all that she did for our entire family.

When I think of my family, particularly my mother and father, they feel like immortals in my mind.  Not consciously, but I think somehow I've got this idea that they won't be gone some day, that no matter how old I continue to get, they will be there to give advice, nag me, laugh at me, enjoy a meal with me, and tell me stories (about me or themselves).  I think that is an artifact of them constantly and, many times, unintentioinally showing me how diligent, steadfast, and valiant they were while raising two boys thru hardships as immigrants in a country where they could not even speak the language. There is truly no way that I can ever repay them for all that they have done for me, but perhaps its time for me to at least give them proper recognition and appreciation for all the little things my brother and I never even knew they sacrificed and persevered thru all for one goal: a better life for their children.


“I suddenly remember being very little and being embraced by my father. I would try to put my arms around my father's waist, hug him back. I could never reach the whole way around the equator of his body; he was that much larger than life. Then one day, I could do it. I held him, instead of him holding me, and all I wanted at that moment was to have it back the other way.”
― Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts

Putting Away My Umbrella

When I was child, I was never the type that thought much into the future, worried about what I'd grow up to be......I really just cared where I was going to play and who I was going to play with.  I was consistently a bad student in school, rarely doing homework and performing poorly on tests.  Like many kids, I gravitated towards things that were fun.  Unlike other kids, I took this notion of living to play further.  Even as elementary school turned to middle school and kids started actually trying to learn and began thinking about their future, I only really cared about playing sports, playing video games, and listening to my favorite music.  As high school came around, many things changed.....life became a little bit more serious.  I crashed my parents car after joy riding it in the streets for nearly 2 weeks. My grandmother passed away when I was 15 (who had raised me since I was a born).  I was arrested and booked into a police station and juvenile hall for the first time.  And then a second time.  Drugs entered my life. Sports become more than just a fun past time.  All the kids around me started to really think about their future. I still really had no idea.

During high school, my parents also decided to move back to Korea, leaving my brother and I to live in an apartment together while we finished up high school.  During that time however, my parents lost their entire life savings and left us in a somewhat tight predicament.  I decided that I would start working at Fosters Freeze to make a little money just to be safe and make sure we didn't have to worry about getting food.  I had also decided to start community college where I planned to attend without knowing if I was going to really pursue a degree or not.  I drove my brother to school every morning, went to college, then went to work immediately after.  It was a simple and easy to maintain life, as non-traditional as it may sound.  When I think back to that time in my life, I think fondly of it.

Nearly a decade later I had transferred from community college to a university then continued my studies at graduate school and then did research at another university before moving into a corporate job.  Life had been generally easy for me up to that point, obstacles and unfortunate events aside.

In 2008, the stock market crashed in an epic fashion, taking with it nearly all the money I had every earned.  It wasn't life-changing money but it was all the money that I had every saved.  It's funny, I always told myself that my life was about more than money - and that's the way I lived as well.  However, your perspective on life and your future significantly changes when all the money you have, all the money you set aside, all the money you imagined would lead to a somewhat better life one day....evaporates.  My wife and I were to be married in May of 2009, so the timing of the market crash and my monetary debacle couldn't have come at a worse time.

In late 2010 (about 18 months after the market crash) still being shell shocked about losing so much money and starting from scratch with a mortgage on a home, I discovered that my father had defaulted on a home he purchased under my brother and my name, leaving us with a credit score that would make a bank likely reject us for a $10 loan.  At this point, I didn't have much money saved and, now thanks to this default from my father, I had no credit either.

In 2011, an aunt of mine in Korea passed away from colon cancer, and while I was not very close to her, I had recently spend considerable amount of time with her just 2 years before, spending the equivalent of "thanksgiving" in Korea with her.  Later that year, her daughter committed suicide as a result of depression stemming from her mother's untimely death.

In late 2011, my wife and I decided to we wanted to have children.  In April of 2012, we discovered a medical condition in me that would send us on a tumultuous and exhausting journey dealing with infertility, adoption, and depression.

In the first 4-5 years of our marriage, I think it would be a fair statement to say that I feel my wife and I have been thru our share of struggles.  And while I stayed determined to get thru these events, they left a damaging scar on my outlook on life.  I realized I had become to expect bad things to happen, so much so that I was the type of person that would expect stormy events even during the sunniest of times.  It was a sort of philosophy and protective layer I created to make myself feel better when things didn't work out.  I was guarded and pessimistic about my future, hoping that would make it me more resilient to tough times.....which it did.  But it also made me lose hope in things.....I took less chances, I worried more.....I kept my guard up at all times and found it genuinely hard to find the silver lining in even the most positive of events.

It's now 2015 and I still find myself afraid to think positive about the future as I feel there is still a jinx in the atmosphere above me.  But I've slowly come to realize that a positive attitude is much more powerful and tangible than I give it credit for.  Not because it can affect the outcome of some events in your life, but because it changes the way you can handle and interpret those situations as well as providing motivation to move on with your life.  As my son starts to learn and absorb things from my personality and mentality, my predisposition to depression and pessimism is something I want to minimize.  He and my wife will be the reason I learn to gain optimism (again), freely and without regard to events in the future that I have no control over.  Maybe one day I can revert to my younger days when I could so easily live in the current moment.  And if I'm lucky (and to draw some strength from the people around me) perhaps I can see the clouds that inevitably make their way into my life not as bearers of rain and storms, but rather as contrasting objects in the sky, making the sunsets of my life all the more colorful.

"A Girl I Knew"

As time has passed since the arrival of our son there has been one thing that I could depend on consistently: the patience and dedication of my wife.

A typical day for me starts with leaving for work well before sunrise and coming home before most people have left work (shifting work hours to waste less time in traffic and spend more time with my family).  As I make my way thru the garage door and up the stairwell to our living room,  I can hear my wife feeding my son and waiting for my arrival at our dinner table.  It might sound pedestrian to most people with a family (perhaps even to those without one) but it was not trivial journey to get to this seemingly simple point in our life.

One of the very first things I realized when I became a parent (which I'm sure nearly every parent realizes quickly) is how selfish I've lived my life.  I'm not talking about being excessively greedy or selfish in the more cynical sense. What I'm referring to is the nearly singular focus my wife and I had on our well being and not placing another life before ours.  The extent with which you stretch your time and efforts for a child makes you really live life with a very different focus.  Its both exhausting and eye-opening.

The metamorphosis that undergoes people as they become parents also changes the relationship between them as well.  In retrospect, I can appreciate the freedom and time my wife had to spend with each other and how un-restrained we were compared to our life being parents.  I can also see how profound certain aspects of our life, daily routines even, have become by raising a child together.  Sharing a look while cleaning up after our son.  Enjoying a different type of dining experience as a family of 3 at some of the places we use to frequent as a couple.  Entertaining and teaching our child as a way to spend our free time together, sharing that time as a family.

Rewarding and fulfilling as having a child can be, the sudden and immense shock of having a child in their "terrible two's" who is fragile, frustrated, and frazzled is a very difficult, patience-testing, and at times depressing endeavor.  Helplessness frequently occurs when you are unsure of what your child needs to feel more secure.  Depression sinks in when the child you have sacrificed so much for and waited so long for rejects and doesn't show much affection towards you. And all the while, you can feel yourself becoming exhausted, frustrated, even questioning the decisions you made to get you to this point.

As is the case with many tribulations, with time, little by little, your child begins to bond with you, they learn to listen to you, they pick up little habits you taught them, and consider you more than just an oversize playpal. If you're lucky enough to have a spouse that will help put all those things in motion like my wife, then no matter how often things seems to fall apart, together you can manage to get thru even the worst nightmares of adjustment.  She constantly teaches me about patience and grace in parenting, which not only benefits our child, but gives me a good example to follow after - assuaging my feelings of concern and uncertainty.  And just as quickly as hardships of parenting (and its subsequent adjustments to our lives) came,  the laughter and sounds of our child coupled with the realization that parenting can be done make all those worries evaporate.

As always, I draw strength from my wife in the most difficult of times.  No amount of preparation prepares you for the mental, physical, and relational challenges that couples face when raising a child, particularly the additional struggles children by way of adoption poses.  But as I watch my wife cradle our son, prepare nutritious food for him, teach and encourage him........I'm reminded of a few of her greatest traits: patience and compassion.  And that always makes our world seem like a better place.

"“She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together.”
—J. D. Salinger, “A Girl I Knew”"

Avalanche from small actions

The other day I was thinking about how many of the most significant things in my life were a result of small, even seemingly random, decisions and actions.  For example, when I was in freshman and all of 14 years of age, I decided to go to lunch with a group of sophomores which I met thru an algebra class.  That decision sparked  friendships that wound up connecting a group of friends that lasts until this very day.  Two of my very best friends (groomsmen at my wedding) came from this small and fortuitous encounter.

In 1997, having no idea what I wanted to do with my future, I enrolled into a community college and when prompted with the question at the administration office: "What major would you like to declare? You can always change it later...."  Without much thought, I chose Physics (mostly due to the energetic teacher I had in high school who taught Physics). That ended up jumpstarting the curriculum that I would study in college, eventually obtaining degrees in Physics thru the years.

In 2003, while hanging out with a friend in her apartment in Los Angeles, I curiously and randomly chose to contact a girl whom I shared my first kiss with nearly 13 years before.  We started a relationship shortly afterwards, culminating into a marriage.  We've shared some beautiful moments and more than our share of trials and tribulations.  And to this day, our marriage is the single proudest thing I have in my life.

In 2012, amidst the fog and depression of infertility and childlessness, I (half-heartedly) made the decision to look into alternatives to becoming parents.  I visited several adoption sites that day and started a discussion with my wife that would turn our world upside down, trying our patience and diligence to levels we could not have imagined (especially coming off the fresh emotions of infertility, surgery, etc).  But that small decision, and all the seemingly small junctures that shaped my life have brought me to this: a wife that can make the rest of the world disappear and a loving son that teaches me lessons about myself everyday.

Earlier this year in October and November 2014, my wife and I made two separate trips to Korea which included social worker visits, meetings with our son Taeyeong, family court appointments, embassy and visa approvals, and, a long trip home back with him to the USA.

Taeyeongee is a very kind hearted child, that is very playful and active.  He is definitely dealing with the trauma and frustration of having a new home, new sounds, new smells, new parents, new country.....new life.  He is still very fragile and raw, but he is transitioning well and we are so proud and happy to have him in our life.  As new parents to a 2.5 yr old toddler, we find ourselves continuously struggling to make the best possible environment for him to thrive in, but we are learning things about parenting and our own shortcomings.  And while the social worker visits, doctor appointments, legal and government paperwork is no where near done, we are finally a family. Learning to live together thru a series of adjustments and compromises.

Not the way we planned but we have become a family. While significantly more difficult and painful than we would have ever imagined, this is nonetheless the journey we've traveled finding the permanency and loyalty of family.

The process of dealing with infertility, depression, and adoption has been an experience that has transformed my wife and I, and our marriage.  We still have moments where we grieve the children we will never have biologically, the time lost to depression and valuable years lost with important moments in our son's life (first steps, first words, smiles, giggles, his birth into the world, etc).  I think back at how it had extinguished the optimistic outlook on life and carefreeness my wife and I used to feel.  But during this past year, my wife and I have started letting go of things that held us captive to depression and sadness. And, in doing so, we were able to find the strength to really reset and adjust the goals and dreams we had when we first got married.  And with the arrival of our son, we have even started to forgive ourselves (more specifically I have).....freeing us to notice and recognize moments of genuine joy while re-discovering a bit of the bright-eyed and hopeful past of our former selves.