Like any other Wednesday night, I returned home from basketball around 10 pm and saw the light to our bedroom casting a shadow onto the stairwell. As I usually do, I called my wife's name and I heard no response. And upon walking into the room, suddenly my wife jumps up from under the covers and yells "boooooo!" This scared the shit out of me, but it also put a big smile on my face. Even now, thinking back to the image of my wife in her pajamas jumping out of our sheets with her hair all tangled brightens my mood. Let me explain.
For nearly two years now, the journey of infertility and adoption has consumed much of our life. And while we've battled back from the depths of depression and hopelessness, very often we still succumb to the sad thoughts of our predicament: that we will never share the joy of being biological parents (additionally, we are at the mercy of an international process that places all the power with a few politicians and courts in Korea). And while this obviously means we will never have children that look like us or share our DNA, it also means something more for my wife, and it manifests itself in a short question she asks me from time to time: "Babe, promise me that you'll never leave me, okay? You promise?"
I'm sure that just about EVERY guy (and many girls) have heard this question, even in (possibly more so) the early goings of a relationship. Usually, it's just something they say in a joyful moment when they're happy to be with you and don't want that feeling or that moment to end. For my wife, this question is a bit more sincere and deep. I wonder if she realizes just how profound of a question it is to me. I certainly don't tell her all the thoughts and details that run through my mind, but if I did, here's how I'd summarize what her question says and means to me:
1. She's willing to sacrifice not having biological children and stay married with me
2. She's willing to endure the turmoil that comes with the process of international adoption
3. She can look past not becoming pregnant, giving birth, and holding a newborn in her arms
4. She can deal with no gifts, no congratulations, and little support from family
5. All that she wants to know is that I'll stay with her, because if we don't......if I leave her, she will no longer be physically capable of bearing children and and be without a someone she fell in love with. And that's something which scares her.
Think about it like this: my wife will never have people wanting to "feel" her stomach when her child is kicking. She'll never be able to bond with a newborn. She'll never be able to take 1000's of photos and share them with people. For example, my brother and his wife took more pictures of their kids at my brother's 33rd birthday lunch (which lasted all of 90 mins) than all the photos I have accumulated of our future son in the past two years combined. She will miss out on the small miracles of parenthood that include (but are not limited to) our son's first steps, first words, first birthday, first christmas, second christmas.......and maybe even his 2nd birthday. To frame things even more, what it really means is this: she will be raising a child that was given life by two other people whom abandoned their own child. Two years ago, I had no real idea of what adoption was. Truth be told, I never cared either - it was someone else's problem. And now, its mine - and because of me, it's my wife's as well. This is a fate I think I could accept, the cost for penance or absolution for the shortcomings and sins of my life. Its hard to swallow that my wife pays this price with me.
I never lose sight of her sacrifice, and even now, it keeps me up a few days a week with the burden I feel as I picture an enormous part of her life taken away because of me. My wife has already done so much for me, but I hope she thinks about all the things I'm really am saying when I respond to her question and say: "l'll never leave you. I love you baby and you are the only girl for me. In this life that God's chosen for me, I'd rather raise an adopted child with you than have biological children with someone else."
