Carrots and DNA

Today after picking up my son from preschool, he asked to eat one of the carrots I was eating with peanut butter.  What was peculiar to me was that when he ate his carrot, he didn't just take a big bite and chew on it like most people.  My attention came when I heard how he bit his baby carrot.  I heard the distinctive sound of many small successive bites, and saw that his mouth was full of smaller bits in his mouth.  Might sound insignificant, but what I realized is that he had learned this strange form of eating a carrot from watching me eat carrots as I routinely do after dinner when I eat them with peanut butter.

Many, many years before I really thought seriously of having children or even being married, one of the few things I would think about was the whole genetic and biological connection between child and parent.  In some of my earlier posts (years ago at this point), I mentioned that I always wondered what people would say when they would meet a future child of mine.

"Oh you play basketball just like your dad."

"You talk so loudly, just like your father!"

"You are just like your dad, you never want to study"

I think one of the many difficult things I came to terms with when we knew adoption was the route we were going to take to have children was that we would lose out on those types of comments.  And as narcissistic as it sounds, it was always something I wanted to hear.  I mean, it felt to me as if comments like that was almost a right of passage for parents as their children pass from kids to adolescents and then eventually to young adults.  Even watching and playing with my nieces who (for better or worse) have a likeness to that of my little brother  - I'm reminded of something that I'll have to be without.  I can't but help fall in love with those little girls each and every time I see them..... something is innately triggered when seeing familiar characteristics and tendencies which draws me to care for them without evening trying.

I know that my wife and I have a very non-traditional route to having children and there are many things we've had to give up and do without.  But this  evening when I heard my son doing something as insignificant as crunching on carrots, I was reminded that while some genetic aspects of our characteristics and tendencies will never be part of our son, there are still many traits that we will be able to pass along to him.  And while we'll miss the bulk of the comments from other people that make most parents feel connected to their kids ("your son has your eyes"),  I can be assured that many of the peculiar and eccentric personality elements of my wife and I will, in fact, be passed on and likely noticed by friends, family, and strangers.  After all, some of the best (and worst) traits that build strong character are the ones that have nothing to do with the DNA that was passed to you such as diligence, motivation, humor, humility, loyalty, compassion, curiosity and courage.  And like that, with a couple snaps of baby carrot courtesy of my son's mouth, I realized that my wife and I were, in fact,  the biggest influences in his life - and that we had really become parents.

In the rear-view mirror suddenly
I saw the bulk of the Beauvais Cathedral
great things dwell in small ones
for a moment.
- Adam Zagajewski, “Auto Mirror”