Somedays my eyes say too much....

Like most people, I have a job that I go to, a company that I work for and bills that I have to pay with the money that I earn.  I'm sure just about everyone knows how hard it can be to make it through the entire work week, especially when the workload stacks up.  But I think the hardest weeks are when we have a burden....a heavy heart that lingers on during the week (or months) making each minute at work that much harder to power thru, as we struggle to separate our emotional untangling from our professional lives.  The waves of depression are as unpredictable as the waves of the ocean: you never know how hard they'll hit you nor what you will have to do to get return to your normal self.

I regularly read articles to learn more about coping with infertility, policy changes in the Korean government pertaining to international adoption, and many other related topics.  The past few weeks I read several articles containing some harsh statements, which opened up some old topics which I had tried to look past.  Let me first start by saying the "comments" portion of blogs and youtube videos are many times interesting (if not polarizing) and remain one of the main reasons I remain on a site after completing an  article/video.  And I do have to admit, they are damn hilarious.  But upon reading an article about people dealing with infertility and the depression that comes with it, there were some statements that rekindled questions about myself and our predicament.  Here are some of the comments:

"I dont understand why Korean babies should go to couples that can't have children, those parents are just desperate and will probably not raise the child right"

"Maybe infertile people were never meant to be parents in the first place."

"God does not want certain people to reproduce"

And this might be the all time best in explicitly targeting the infertile population:

"Could this be darwinism at work?"

Yes muthafucker, you are right.  And I don't mean this with even a hint of sarcasm: I was exactly chosen by nature, by God, and by evolution to NOT pass on my genes to the next generation.  I probably don't have many traits that mean shit anyways, but it definitely makes me feel like less of a normal, able person when the ability of taking part of procreation is snatched from me.  And when you find out that you are not just infertile but they don't know WHY you are infertile, well, that makes you feel even worse.  Especially after getting your genitals probed and pierced on many accounts to no avail.  

I guess this is just a time when depression is getting the better of me.  Its just shy of 3 years and counting since my wife and I tried to first get pregnant.  Its been over 26 months since we started our adoption process, and its been more than 3 months since submitting papers to the Korean courts with no contact, no response - with the uncertainty of relinquishment from the birth mother still open (since they can not get in contact with the birth mother).  And so,  as I often do (especially as of late), I find myself asking if quite possibly Jennie and I were not meant to be parents.  I guess I have to believe that while just about every couple we know are having kids, experiencing them grow, and witnessing the little miracles everyday - that they were chosen to have kids, rather than me being chosen not to.  I'm definitely not a man of strong faith, but I don't think God makes mistakes and certainly not with respect to having the wrong people having children.  I mean there's even a pretty famous verse telling people how much God wants people to have children (Genesis 1:28):

"And God blessed them: and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth."

And I do believe that God finds immense joy in children and families.  But maybe he also knows when to press the pause button on some.  It probably makes sense to do so on people like me.  I think about it and I don't really have traits that are too desirable.  I'm pretty lazy, not very tall, impatient as hell at times, can have a temper, and find myself to be more stubborn than I'd like.  What's worse, perhaps, are all the times I've failed to come through for people, the weakness I feel to do the right thing when its the tough thing to do, and the complacency I regularly practice when it comes to the important things in life such as spending time with and being their for friends, family, and even for small things like simply living in the moment.  I always tell myself that I know I will die some day..... so live a little bit more, find humor in everything, take risks.....but that's all a lie - I live with the wrong priorities and live like I have time to spare (which I don't).  I don't take once in a lifetime trips with my friends, or work on my childhood dreams....I don't spend time getting to know my parents better like I always thought I would.  I don't treat my wife with as much patience and care as I can, or even as much as I should to return the patience she has shown me.  I find excuses all the time, even for myself. I barely know what the inside of a church, a community center, or volunteer shelter looks like. And so whether its nature, or God, or evolution that is wise to my many faults, its hard for me to think "WHY did this happen to me....." I'm not so sure I've ever felt like that (which is strange because that is how the vast majority of infertile people feel).  Instead, I find myself ever more depressed knowing how short I do fall in life in so many ways, and that infertility simply exposes and manifests this for me.  I guess the only thing that makes this unbearable is that my wife has to go thru this infertility with me.  And we both have to miss out on what our friends who have become parents have already discovered: 

"God is happiest when His children are at play."

I agree.  I just wish I could feel more deserving of having children, and being a parent.